Marriage of discovery
John was a pretty cool guy, he was an IT boffin, or rather a computer geek, an electronics engineer by profession, a knowledgeable conservationist, a logic thinker, a sports star and a pragmatist, who lived life on his own terms. He was involved in digital arts, calligraphy, book publishing. Scuba diving was his hobby, at an open water two level, he was also a vivid photographer —both beneath the waves and above land— motor cycle rider and enthusiast and was an avid reader with a collection of books that spanned topics unimaginable.
John had been a divorced for two years, before getting married to his new wife Jane for a duration of 13 years before it also fell apart. His twenty five year marriage to his ex-wife had gone pear shaped due to her infidelity, but that's a story for another day. Jane was a really cool chick or rather a matured but youthful woman. She had been married before, established a career, had two daughters, owned a house but lived a frugal life.
John and fell in love with her and was attracted by Jane's confidence, her wit and charisma. She had an outgoing personality and always seemed to be the life of the party, the belle of the ball, taking control, always enjoying herself at every turn. As newly weds she love bombed and sex bombed him and he was convinced she reciprocated his feeling for her because she came across as the ideal partner and the doting wife, but he was wrong.
Over time, John realized that Jane's behavior was anything but normal. He often theorized that her mother must have dropped her on her head and he even mentioned it to her several times jokingly. Here I could add, that many a true word is said in jest. She was self-centered, constantly seeking attention and admiration from others. She belittled John in public by making jokes at his expense, and constantly expected him to cater to her every whim and to pick up the restaurant tab for her friends at dinner.
Jane's jealousy took a toll on John as she was always accusing him of gravitating towards other women; implying her female friends, in her presence when all they were doing was being sociable. This just made John withdrew from social gatherings. He chose not to accompany her rather than being constantly accused that he was embarrassing her, even though she flirted with familial men all the time.
John was convinced there was some underlying issue that presented itself through her manipulative and overt emotions. After witnessing an episode; when Jane said her mother had a preference for her siblings and that she felt unloved and discarded, John speculated that Jane had "Mummy issues" and that her odd demeanor was an attempt to compensate for trauma she suffered through her mother's parental shortcomings. As such, Jane exhibited a lack of self-esteem and pathologically developed an abusive personality, aka a personality disorder to mask the real her.
John often cringed when he heard her talking down on waiters at restaurants and sending food back to the kitchen; talking down on cashiers in supper markets for working too slow for her liking. Loudly cursing drivers in other vehicles for not given her right of way even though they couldn't hear her. This was indiscriminate abuse dished to everyone including her husband.
John struggled with the constant emotional abuse that came with living with his toxic spouse. Jane was always angry, and he never knew what would set her off, yet she was always charming to everyone else, especially when they went out socializing. Jane was never satisfied with any of the gifts John gave her, always wanting more or better, but not until her friends would rave about how fantastic these gifts were and how fortunate she is to get them, before she would own it.
One day, she would be laughing and joking, and the next, she would be screaming at John for no apparent reason, not to mention the verbal profanity used in the presence of her grand kids. By this time John came to realize the he should never say "NO" when his wife wanted something because it turned her into a monster. Her constant mood swings left John feeling like he was walking on eggshells.
John was always trying to anticipate her needs and avoid setting her off but she would always curse him in an under breath. Whether at home or in restaurants, she would always drink from his bottle or glass before he could even start drinking from it but she would never touch it after he drank from it. It was as if, she was the only bacteria-less being because she expected other to eat and drink her leftovers. She would also never empty the kitchen bin into the large municipal bin but leave it at the front door so that John would have to do it. Mentally she felt superior to John by making him look inferior by getting him to do all the menial jobs.
John's life revolved around his wife's exploitative needs and desires, paying her debts, taking her dining, taking her on boat cruises, taking her to spas and holiday resorts, living the high life. But he felt like he was living in a prison, unable to make decisions for himself. Jane controlled their finances, their social life, and even what they ate for dinner, which restaurants they ate at and the cloths he needed to wear.
Funny enough, she hid all his cloths or gave it to charity without his consent in anticipation of buying him new clothing that suited her appearance. John had lost all sense of autonomy and was simply existing to please his wife. He realized his wife had an unstable identity.
Despite all of this, John still loved Jane. With so many red flags he suspected she was a Narcissist but with his accommodating nature felt that compromise could make their marriage work. He hoped that things would get better and that she would eventually see the damage she was causing to their relationship.
But one day, out of the blue Jane dropped a bombshell on John. She wanted a divorce with immediate effect. John was stunned, it was the oddest thing ever. He had always thought that their love was strong enough to overcome their problems, none of which were insurmountable. But Jane was adamant, she always wanted better of more and was tired of his unwillingness to meet her needs and that she deserved someone better.
As John tried to come to terms with the end of his marriage, he came to the conclusion that he had been living with a narcissist for far too long. He saw how Jane's constant need for attention and admiration had driven a wedge between them. She was constantly flirting with virtually every man with whom she had some familiarity. He then realized that she had never truly loved him, and that his marriage was a sham, that she had only used him as a means to fulfill her own needs.
In the end, John was left with the difficult task of rebuilding his life. He had to learn how to regain his sense of self and find happiness outside of his toxic marriage. But he knew that he could never again allow himself to be trapped in a relationship with a narcissist ever again. John had learned the hard way that no amount of love or devotion could ever be enough to satisfy someone with such an insatiable need for attention and admiration, someone with a inflated sense of grandiose.
After the bombshell of divorce that Jane dropped on him, John was devastated. He had invested so much in their relationship and their mutual home and had hoped that things would eventually get better. But, now he had to face the hard reality that his marriage was over. That Jane already had someone else on the side who was seeing to her every need.
The first step John took to rebuild his life was process the emotional trauma he had experienced during his marriage and learn how to move forward. Through deep introspection and self therapy, John was able to gain a better understanding of his own needs and desires and realized how to set healthy boundaries and how to communicate his needs effectively.
John also started to re focus on his own interests and hobbies he so loved before. During his marriage, he had put all his energy into pleasing Jane, and he had lost touch with the things that made him happy. He started to reconnect with old friends, picked up blogging again and started to explore new interests. During his marriage, Jane had eroded his network and isolated him from his friends and family. He came to realized that he needed to rekindle those relationships and build new ones and meet new people.
Finally, John made a commitment to himself to never again allow himself to be trapped in a toxic relationship. He learned how to recognize the warning signs of narcissistic behavior and how to avoid getting involved with people who exhibited such traits. It wasn't an easy journey, but John slowly but surely started to rebuild his life after his divorce.
He knew happiness comes from within and that he didn't need anyone to make him happy. He knew how to be happy on his own and will eventually find love again with someone who would respect and valued him for who he is.
