Marriage of discovery

Marriage of discovery

John was a pretty cool guy, he was an IT boffin, or rather a computer geek, an electronics engineer by profession,   a knowledgeable conservationist, a logic thinker, a sports star and a pragmatist, who lived life on his own terms. He was involved in digital arts, calligraphy, book publishing. Scuba diving was his hobby, at an open water two level, he was also a  vivid photographer —both beneath the waves and above land— motor cycle rider and  enthusiast and was an avid reader with a collection of books that spanned topics unimaginable. 

John had been a divorced for two years,  before getting married to his new wife Jane for a duration of 13 years before it also fell apart.  His  twenty five year marriage to his ex-wife had gone pear shaped due to her infidelity, but that's a story for another day.  Jane  was a really cool chick or rather a matured but youthful woman. She had been married before, established a career, had two daughters, owned a house but lived a frugal life. 

John and fell in love with her and was attracted by Jane's confidence, her wit and charisma.  She had  an outgoing personality and always seemed to be the life of the party, the belle of the ball, taking control,  always  enjoying herself at every turn. As newly weds she love bombed and sex bombed him and he was convinced she reciprocated his feeling for her because she came across as the ideal partner and the doting wife, but he was wrong.

Over time, John realized that Jane's behavior was anything but normal. He often theorized that her mother must have dropped her on her head and he even mentioned it to her several times jokingly.  Here I could add, that many a true word is said in jest. She was self-centered, constantly seeking attention and admiration from others. She belittled John in public by making jokes at his expense, and constantly expected him to cater to her every whim and to pick up the restaurant tab for her friends at dinner.

Jane's jealousy took a toll on John as she was always accusing him of gravitating towards other women; implying her female friends, in her presence when all they were doing was being sociable. This just made John withdrew from social gatherings. He chose not to accompany her rather than being constantly accused that he was embarrassing her, even though she flirted with familial men all the time.

 John was convinced there was some underlying issue that presented itself through her manipulative and overt emotions. After witnessing an episode; when Jane said her mother had  a preference for her siblings and that she felt unloved  and discarded, John speculated that Jane had "Mummy issues" and that her odd demeanor was an attempt to compensate for trauma she suffered through her mother's parental shortcomings. As such, Jane exhibited a lack of self-esteem and pathologically developed an abusive personality, aka  a personality disorder to mask the real her.

John often cringed when he heard her talking down on waiters at restaurants and sending food back to the kitchen; talking down on cashiers in supper markets for working too slow for her liking. Loudly cursing drivers in other vehicles for not given her right of way even though they couldn't hear her.  This was indiscriminate abuse dished to everyone including her husband. 

John struggled with the constant emotional abuse that came with living with his toxic spouse. Jane was always angry, and he never knew what would set her off, yet she was always charming to everyone else, especially when they went out socializing. Jane was never satisfied with any of the gifts John gave her, always wanting more or better, but not until her friends would rave about how fantastic these gifts were and how fortunate she is to get them, before she would own it.

One day, she would be laughing and joking, and the next, she would be screaming at John for no apparent reason, not to mention the verbal profanity used in the presence of her grand kids.  By this time John came to realize the he should never say "NO" when his wife wanted something because it turned her into a monster. Her constant mood swings left John feeling like he was walking on eggshells. 

John was always trying to anticipate her needs and  avoid setting her off but she would always curse him in an under breath. Whether at home or in restaurants, she would always drink from his bottle or glass before he could even start drinking from it but she would never touch it after he drank from it. It was as if, she was the only bacteria-less being because she expected other to eat and drink her leftovers.  She would also never empty the kitchen bin into the large municipal bin but leave it at the front door so that John would have to do it. Mentally she felt superior to John by making him look inferior by getting him to do all the menial jobs.

John's life revolved around his wife's exploitative needs and desires, paying her debts, taking her dining, taking her on boat cruises, taking her to spas and holiday resorts, living the high life. But he felt like he was living in a prison, unable to make decisions for himself. Jane controlled their finances, their social life, and even what they ate for dinner, which restaurants they ate at and the cloths he needed to wear.

Funny enough, she hid all his cloths or gave it to charity without his consent in anticipation of buying him new clothing that suited her appearance. John  had lost all sense of autonomy and was simply existing to please his wife. He realized his wife had an unstable identity.

Despite all of this, John still loved Jane. With so many red flags he suspected she was a Narcissist but with his accommodating nature  felt that compromise could make their marriage work. He hoped that things would get better and that she would eventually see the damage she was causing to their relationship. 

But one day, out of the blue Jane dropped a bombshell on John. She wanted a divorce with immediate effect. John was stunned, it was the oddest thing ever. He had always thought that their love was strong enough to overcome their problems, none of which were insurmountable. But Jane was adamant, she always wanted better of more and was tired of his unwillingness to meet her needs and that she deserved someone better.

As John tried to come to terms with the end of his marriage, he came to the conclusion  that he had been living with a narcissist for far too long. He saw how Jane's constant need for attention and admiration had driven a wedge between them. She was constantly flirting with virtually every man with whom she had some familiarity. He then realized that she had never truly loved him, and that his marriage was a sham,  that she had only used him as a means to fulfill her own needs.

In the end, John was left with the difficult task of rebuilding his life. He had to learn how to regain his sense of self and find happiness outside of his toxic marriage. But he knew that he could never again allow himself to be trapped in a relationship with a narcissist ever again. John had learned the hard way that no amount of love or devotion could ever be enough to satisfy someone with such an insatiable need for attention and admiration, someone with a inflated sense of grandiose.

After the bombshell of divorce that Jane dropped on him, John was devastated. He had invested so much in their relationship and their mutual home and had hoped that things would eventually get better. But, now he had to face the hard reality that his marriage was over. That Jane already had someone else on the side who was seeing to her every need.

The first step John took to rebuild his life was  process the emotional trauma he had experienced during his marriage and learn how to move forward. Through deep introspection and self therapy, John was able to gain a better understanding of his own needs and desires and realized how to set healthy boundaries and how to communicate his needs effectively.

John also started to re focus on his own interests and hobbies he so loved before. During his marriage, he had put all his energy into pleasing Jane, and he had lost touch with the things that made him happy. He started to reconnect with old friends, picked up blogging again and started to explore new interests.  During his marriage, Jane had eroded his network and  isolated him from his friends and family. He came to realized that he needed to rekindle those relationships and build new ones and meet new people.

Finally, John made a commitment to himself to never again allow himself to be trapped in a toxic relationship. He learned how to recognize the warning signs of narcissistic behavior and how to avoid getting involved with people who exhibited such traits. It wasn't an easy journey, but John slowly but surely started to rebuild his life after his divorce. 

He knew happiness comes from within and that he didn't need anyone to make him happy. He knew how to be happy on his own and will eventually find love again with someone who would respect and valued him for who he is.

Narcissist

Narcissism

What is a Narcissist you may ask? 

Well, a Narcissist is person suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). It's a mental disorder in which the person in question suffers from an inflated sense of self-importance and the condition is found to affect more men than women.  

The actual cause of NPD  is unknown but speculation and physiological studies dictate that it  —more likely than not—  involves a combination of  both genetic and environmental factors. 

Since NDP affects men to a larger degree, one could say that they're suffer from "Mummy issues" and in the case of women, say they suffer from "Daddy issues". But that isn't cast in stone as you will discover further down in this text. 

Narcissistic symptoms include an unrealistic sense of grandiose,  an excessive need for admiration, generally displays a total disregard for others' feelings, have an inability to handle any criticism, have a sense of entitlement, are quick to anger, are extremely argumentative, always want to control the situation and loves conflict and drama, among so many other issues. 

NPD is a disorder that needs to be diagnosed by a professional because treatment involves talk therapy. Unfortunately Narcissists are unaware that its a mental condition nor that they suffering from it, though they fully understand what they do without remorse.

Very much, like you and me, all narcissists do have different personalities, however their abusive behavior in remarkably similar in character bordering on characteristics and attributes that their can almost be classified as traits.

The following is a short list of  hardwired  Narcissistic traits or algorithm of abuse. 

a) Have grandiose assertions and live their lives in pretense as if true, by leaching off others;

b) Endlessly seek attention and admiration/adoration;

c) Publicly charismatic and very charming but gives appalling treatment of family when there is no audience;

d) Present a aire of entitlement and expect special treatment;

e) Inflated ego, giving the impression of being special even superior to others;

f) Always needs to dress up and look  the "Belle of the Ball"

g) Spends their earnings on themselves contributes very little of nothing to household;

h) Have sudden mood swings with their partner but are fine with everyone else;  

i) An inability to share attention with others, even their own children;

j) Thrives on conflict, are arrogant & abusive to “underlings,” viz, waiters and  cashiers;

k) Suffer from hidden trauma;

l) Had multiple failed marriages through cheating; 

m)Eager to control others, and the situation and deflect blame and accountability;

n) Arrogant, bragging, lying, gaslighting;

o) Argumentative,  verbally abusive even rude; 

p) Scapegoating “loved” ones and refusal to take responsibility;

q) Adamant denial in the face of blatant truth;  

r) Indifference to others' illness, loss or misfortune;

s) Impatient and anger easily and have selfish motives of ownership;

t) Pitting family members, against one another to divide and conquer;

t)  Mock, ridicule and shame others under the guise of  “teasing” to gain an advantage and feel superior;

People unfamiliar with NPD and narcissistic abuse generally find the above list —which is by no means complete — incomprehensible. This is because the narcissist's moral compass is broken hence difficult for those without direct experience of narcissistic abuse 

to imagine how narcissists can present an image of normalcy  to outsiders.  

But narcissists are expert at keeping their skeletons in the closet, often presenting themselves as devoted family members fooling onlookers unaware of their morally bankrupt  behavior in their domestic setting.

 

LIFE PARTNER

LIFE PARTNER SPOUSE POOL

According to Tom Hanks in the movie Forrest Gump, his Mama says "Life was like a box of chocolates" but I think  Life is like a mixed bag of licorice, since it take all sort to make a world. Many people say love is overrated, especially those who got burnt by love which consequently makes them averse to marriage. But for those who do marry, throughout their courting period they posed questions, spoke of the future, shared stories, always assessing each other and getting to know one another's peculiarities, shortcomings, likes and dislike. 

When they finally chose their life partner for marriage, little did they know of each  other's past except that which was voluntarily divulged. Yet, they put your best foot forward based on their trust and married their future partner, only to find out later that they may have made the wrong choice. But there are exceptions, because more people get married and stay married than people who separate or divorce. 

Incompatibility is always the common denominator because your spouse could be the product of divorced parents, often feeling a sense of guilt as if responsible for the divorce. Or you life partner could be inherently scared, having suffered abuse during childhood and don't want to be scared anymore, making your marriage the battle ground of his or her dilemma. 

Fear can have a profound effect on marriage, among which are  arachnophobia, ophidiophobia,  acrophobia, glossophobia, etc, resulting in introversion and social phobias and lack of self worth.  This could impact on their interaction with the new extended family and the new circle of friends, enough to anger and frustrate the ass-mousse out of you. This can easily turn you into a social outcast brought about by social embarrassment.

Then there are those who suffer from uncontrolled emotions allowing the situation to dictate their behaviour  rather than behave according to the situation. Jealousy and possessiveness is a key example of delusional behaviour which does often lead to physical abuse to their partner. And the list goes on. 

Contending with mood swings is probably one of the most difficult situations to comprehend  because you can't determine what they want from you because they are clouded by their self anger. Constantly upset and mood swings can border  on mental disorder even schizophrenia which can result in self mutilation and even suicide.

They say geniuses speak to themselves but crazy people answer themselves and these are often those people who suffer from acute anxiety and feel socially isolated. Then there are those who are forever cursing and blaming others for their inabilities to handle their own daemons. Many people are affected by the scourge of drugs and alcohol which gives rise to kleptomania, thievery and violence. Knowing they have a problem, they start to self medicate with across-the-counter-drugs until they become addicted. 

There are countless of women whose wedding rings and diamond jewelry were stolen by their own drug addicted husbands who pawns it at the local drug merchant just to get a fix.  And the same applies to women who delve into prostitution just to be able to buy a fix. In most cases these drugs make them crazier than they really are and heaven help their spouses. Then there those with speech impediments or are physical disability, who are angry at the entire world, blaming them for their condition. 

These are just some of the idiosyncrasies that spouses have to deal with every minute of every hour, seven days a week, 365. Celexa (citalopram), Lexapro (escitalopram), Paxil / Pexeva (paroxetine), Luvox  (fluvoxamine), Oleptro  (trazodone), Zoloft (sertraline), Prozac (fluoxetine),  belongs to a class of anti depressant drugs called "selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors" (SSRIs) which can help relieve some of these human conditions, mentioned above. 

But should only be taken on the advice of a registered psychotherapist after a total assessment. Before taking that leap of faith, ask the right questions, do your due diligence. And when the alarms go off, its time to exit gracefully, before it comes to marriage. They say "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure"  and that has never been truer when it comes to choosing a life partner because a moment of folly can give rise to life of misery.

MARITAL COMPLAINTS

MARITAL COMPLAINTS

There are some 7.3 billion people on earth, each completely different and unique in every regard. Each varying in build, in height, in colour, in features, in attitude, in intelligence, in articulation, in morals,  in eye colour, in hair colour, in hair texture, in speech, in personal hygiene, in hairiness, in standards, in nationality, in belief, in complexion and in tolerance,  to name but a few of the human traits among so many other. With so many variations to choose from, one is forgiven for choosing  the wrong partner for marriage even though they seemed like the right or even perfect choice at the time. 

Marriage has a steep learning curve, and reconciling with one another's differences can be very challenging. In fact marriage is really hard work and compromise is the key to its success. But unfortunately, incompatibility is the result of stretching compromise and forgiveness to its very limits, leaving divorce as the only option.  
I'm my book, divorce should be the last resort and not a decision easily made because marriage started out with love and affection and a vow 'till death do we part' in the sight of God and therefore shouldn't end in hate and 'I should have killed you when I had the chance'. 

There is and old adage in Afrikaans which goes something like, 'Ek is so lief vir jou, ek wens ek kan jou op eet' (I love you so much, I wish I could eat eat up) but after several years of marriage with all its issues, it changes to 'Ek wens I het jou op ge-eet' ( I really wish I had eaten you). Yep, at times marriage does makes one feel that way, but that's exactly the time you should contemplate on the hundreds of good reasons why you married your partner in the first place. Certainly one bad deed cannot outnumber the dozens of traits of your life partner. 

As wedding photographers, almost every weekend, my wife and I encounter numerous young couples  very much in love . Yet it is sad to say that when we happen to bump into them  in shopping malls after a few years, only to find out that they are divorced. In fact there are quite a few couples whose weddings we photographed, who divorced after only a few months of marriage. 

I have come to understand that many a young girl gets married just because she wants out of her parents house. In my book, that's just wrong on so many levels. Others get married only to legitimize there sex lives which I think is just so effed-up. Talking about effed-up, I encountered a dude that got married as a dare by his friends and had two children with his wife but but hardly sleeps over at her place, spending most of his nights at his mothers house. That's how the cookie crumbles, can't live with them, can't live without them.

Personal idiosyncrasies, unsociable, complicated attitudes, stubbornness, rudeness, foul moods, selfishness, laziness, greed are just some of the issues couples have to contend with on a daily basis. Then there are some irksome traits that just warrants complaining about even if nobody can help. Just to vent about it is sometimes help enough.  

Hugh's Marital Complaint:-

To fart is a completely natural and perfectly normal and I know that. I was brought up to excuse yourself when you have the urge, and go for a walk then do your thang outside or  in the toilet. I love my wife dearly but resent her for constantly farting in my presence. She would come from outside, where she could have done the deed, but no, she just has to do it in the room where I'm at. 

It seems when we spoon at night, that she purposefully stocks up her fart just so that she can let rip in my lap. I hate this and deem it disgusting and disrespectful. I'm forever shouting at her for being so uncouth and she just laughs about it, thinking its funny. When we courted her I never heard nor smelt her stink, except once, but she said that was the dog. 

I tolerate the dog when she occasionally farts because she is an uncultured animal that hasn't learn ethics and morals, standards and inter personal and social skills.  At one time I was thinking of  divorcing my wife and marrying the dog?

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Marry the dog, I hope you're joking, Hugh!  All I can say is 'to each his own'. Farting when ever seems to work for her and not for you, so you cannot teach an old dog new tricks, and don't expect her to change. Distance yourself from the situation and not from her. 

Leave the room then she drops one. Ask her to take a walk with you after supper so that she can  release the foul. If this doesn't work, you could always reciprocate. But you would probably think it disrespectful. Or you could get an air freshner / spray that she doesn't like and when she puffs, go crazy with the aerosol.

Wanda's Marital compliant:-

You may think that I'm feeling sorry for my  self, but I am frustrated by the fact that my husband is always working late at night and most weekends. He works for his dad  who is building contractor and the excuse is that they have deadlines to meet else they are penalized by the client. 

I'm married for less than two years and our baby of one year hardly knows his dad because by the time he showered and cleaned up, our son's fast asleep.  Why did he marry me, if he doesn't spend any time with me. Grrrr, I can't take it. So, I use public transport to the mall just to be among people even though I don't know them.

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Sorry to say this Wanda, but you seem to have major insecurities and yes you are feeling sorry for yourself.  Your husband is working toward a better future for both of you, cut him some slack. Working for his dad has nothing to do with the issue, he may as well have worked for another contractor who also has deadlines.  

Deadlines are not permanent and a time will come when he is able to spend time with both of you, but it requires your patience.  Only you know why he married you and I'm certain its not to torment or isolate you. You should join a ladies breakfast club or have a few friends come over or go visit your mom or in-laws and spend some time with them. 

Harlon's Marital complaint:

Marika is a beautiful and intelligent woman, an accountant by profession. When we courted, she made me feel extra special and her regular nocturnal gifts was just the cherry on top. Marika is a divorcee without any children and even though she is 8 years my senior we got married two years ago. She is in  her sexual prime but I've come to think she is addicted to sex. 

Before marriage we never discussed the reason for her divorce but as it turns our she was having an affair with her boss. She was honest enough to admit this but I think too honest because she also told me about all the other men she's been with, the ones she shacked up with and the one nigh stands and the office quickies. I feel betrayed and downright stupid and I even cried. 

I feels like I'm married to the town bicycle because where ever we go we are bound to meetup up with an old boyfriend asking when they can hookup again. Sheepishly she would introduce me as her husband and I always feel like such as A-hole when seeing the smirk on their faces. For my own sanity I think divorce is my only option but I love her and I want her cake and I want to eat it. 

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Harlon my friend, I cannot imagine what you feel like but I can sympathize with you. My advice is, make the best of your marriage because as long as you can scratch her itch she will remain faithful to you. Besides when you didn't know, it never bothered you. Would you have preferred to marry the town bicycle and have her lie to you about her past and passing herself off as Mother Teresa? I think not. 

Everybody has skeletons in their closets and some people have graveyards. In my estimation, it is better to be married to an honest sex addict than a woman who secretly buried her ex in the backyard and never divulging anything, not even in her sleep. It's rather the case  of  'the devil you know than the devil you don't know'.

IMPERFECT PARTNERS

IMPERFECT PARTNERS

God created man, and as the epic goes, God then created the very first woman from the rib of that very man. Thereafter God past on the miracle of creation of man, primarily to women. Today, there is no man that wasn't born of a woman, whether he exited via a birth canal or not. God has elevated the status of women to give birth to kings, presidents, rulers, leaders and men in general so that they would care for them, marry them, protect them and provide for them.  

For this honour, man should firstly be grateful to God and grateful to women because women do make the best mothers, the best grandmothers, the best sisters, the best wives, the best daughters and the best grand daughters. Essentially, they occupy a role that no man can ever fill. But, women are emotional creatures yet blessed with the inherent maternal values to care and nurture, which they more likely than not shower on their babies, toddlers and children in general. 

Unfortunately some of them grow up to become Narcissists, usurpers, abusers, losers, thieves, murderers, etc for whatever reason, disappointing the hell out of their own mothers. Generally woman are pretty amazing but regrettably some among them don't make such good  mothers and fall short in the maternal department which can traumatize their offspring emotionally and often times permanently - and possibly the reason why some don't turn out that great.

Men are pragmatic creatures yet blessed with inherent paternal values, strengths and affections suited to provide for their progeny. Unfortunately some of them make terrible husbands and horrible fathers, who fall short or shirk their responsibilities for whatever reason. Some even abandon their families, resulting in delinquent sons and traumatized daughters with feeble self worth.  Be that as it may, men have a natural affinity towards affection, friendship and warmth; and women represent the absolute pinnacle of caring and love for a man. 

This womanly quality cannot be not found in anyone or anything else. Restated, man cannot find this quality in another man, neither a cat, a dog, a horse, a house, a farm, a harvest nor money. God  Almighty blessed both men and women with numerous other qualities, many of them shared by both, but there are some which are specific and unique to women and some specific and unique to men. 

It is generally accepted that women are weaker than men, but this does not suggest that women are inferior to men because men and women equal. However, to  recognize this equality is to realize and accept that each has their individual and different roles to fulfill. 

Religion plays a  huge role in the makeup of each of these individuals and scripture provides moral guidance for both. They say couples who pray together stay together. With respect, trust and mutual love as the basis of  marriage, there is no reason why this shouldn't be the case.

Reading the above gives you some idea of the pool from which to choose you life partner. There are decent, good, honest and hounourable people out there and there are scoundrels, unprincipled, dishonest people out there. They will deceive you, they will steal from you, they will hurt you, they will cheat on you, they will disappoint you, they will astound you, and they may even mislead you. Among them Narcissists constitution 5% of the global population.

In order to choose a life partner, comparable to yourself, you need to be a good judge of character. Observing peoples reaction in different situations should give you a pretty good idea whether or not you dating Dr. Jekyll of Mr Hyde or its female version. Everyone has expectations when they enter into a marriage but a good policy is not to have expectations because then you cannot be disappointed by your expectations. 

The reason for marriage should not be to legitimize your sex lives nor a gateway of fulfill  your carnal desires, but an earnest desire and sincerely to be with the partner you chose for the rest of your life. The true purpose of marriage is to protect your dignity and chastity and your children, and not merely to fulfill one's carnal desires like animals do. 

Marriage is about becoming best of friends, and becoming one another's committed helpers and becoming another's confidants. Marriage is also about embracing the idiosyncrasies of your partner and seeing all the good in them and not single out the one bad thing they did or do. There is a saying that goes something like this: 'for the good that you do, no one remembers, but for the one bad thing you do, no one forgets'. 

Let this not be the basis of your marriage. Marriage is hard work and is not a  one-size-fits-all formula because every marriage is different, even unique. Marriage can be a bed of roses or a pit in hell, so before taking that leap of faith, make pretty darn sure that you made the right choice. Shacking up is not the answer because the drawbacks and the issues associated with it, by far exceeds the benefits.

Advice for men:

1) Reverence the wombs that bore you,

2) Appreciate the wife's sacrifice and her willingness to help out with expenses.

3) Honesty is the best policy in any  mature relationship.

4) Don't brush your wife off and diminish what she has to say because she is your equal in your partnership. 

5) Your contempt will poison your  relationship and  deep down  show your lack of respect and trust.

6) Be romantic and express your affection in a meaningful way like kissing her goodbye in the morning, phone her during the day to tell her that you miss her and look forward to seeing her later.

7) Set aside at least one night per week for date night.

8) Be her greatest supporter.

Advice for women:

1) Never undermine your husband, it is a sure way for him to start to resent you.

2) Honour, respect and appreciate your husband’s sacrifices, a mere 'thank you for doing this for me or us' may be sufficient but a kiss on the cheek or a hug from behind resting your check on his back can make all the difference.

3) Keep your sex life invigorated by dress up in a sexy negligee, understand that he is a sexual being and  meet him at the front door.

4) Surprise him with a good cooked meal for supper.

5) It certainly isn't too much to ask.