LIFE PARTNER

LIFE PARTNER SPOUSE POOL

According to Tom Hanks in the movie Forrest Gump, his Mama says "Life was like a box of chocolates" but I think  Life is like a mixed bag of licorice, since it take all sort to make a world. Many people say love is overrated, especially those who got burnt by love which consequently makes them averse to marriage. But for those who do marry, throughout their courting period they posed questions, spoke of the future, shared stories, always assessing each other and getting to know one another's peculiarities, shortcomings, likes and dislike. 

When they finally chose their life partner for marriage, little did they know of each  other's past except that which was voluntarily divulged. Yet, they put your best foot forward based on their trust and married their future partner, only to find out later that they may have made the wrong choice. But there are exceptions, because more people get married and stay married than people who separate or divorce. 

Incompatibility is always the common denominator because your spouse could be the product of divorced parents, often feeling a sense of guilt as if responsible for the divorce. Or you life partner could be inherently scared, having suffered abuse during childhood and don't want to be scared anymore, making your marriage the battle ground of his or her dilemma. 

Fear can have a profound effect on marriage, among which are  arachnophobia, ophidiophobia,  acrophobia, glossophobia, etc, resulting in introversion and social phobias and lack of self worth.  This could impact on their interaction with the new extended family and the new circle of friends, enough to anger and frustrate the ass-mousse out of you. This can easily turn you into a social outcast brought about by social embarrassment.

Then there are those who suffer from uncontrolled emotions allowing the situation to dictate their behaviour  rather than behave according to the situation. Jealousy and possessiveness is a key example of delusional behaviour which does often lead to physical abuse to their partner. And the list goes on. 

Contending with mood swings is probably one of the most difficult situations to comprehend  because you can't determine what they want from you because they are clouded by their self anger. Constantly upset and mood swings can border  on mental disorder even schizophrenia which can result in self mutilation and even suicide.

They say geniuses speak to themselves but crazy people answer themselves and these are often those people who suffer from acute anxiety and feel socially isolated. Then there are those who are forever cursing and blaming others for their inabilities to handle their own daemons. Many people are affected by the scourge of drugs and alcohol which gives rise to kleptomania, thievery and violence. Knowing they have a problem, they start to self medicate with across-the-counter-drugs until they become addicted. 

There are countless of women whose wedding rings and diamond jewelry were stolen by their own drug addicted husbands who pawns it at the local drug merchant just to get a fix.  And the same applies to women who delve into prostitution just to be able to buy a fix. In most cases these drugs make them crazier than they really are and heaven help their spouses. Then there those with speech impediments or are physical disability, who are angry at the entire world, blaming them for their condition. 

These are just some of the idiosyncrasies that spouses have to deal with every minute of every hour, seven days a week, 365. Celexa (citalopram), Lexapro (escitalopram), Paxil / Pexeva (paroxetine), Luvox  (fluvoxamine), Oleptro  (trazodone), Zoloft (sertraline), Prozac (fluoxetine),  belongs to a class of anti depressant drugs called "selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors" (SSRIs) which can help relieve some of these human conditions, mentioned above. 

But should only be taken on the advice of a registered psychotherapist after a total assessment. Before taking that leap of faith, ask the right questions, do your due diligence. And when the alarms go off, its time to exit gracefully, before it comes to marriage. They say "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure"  and that has never been truer when it comes to choosing a life partner because a moment of folly can give rise to life of misery.

MARITAL COMPLAINTS

MARITAL COMPLAINTS

There are some 7.3 billion people on earth, each completely different and unique in every regard. Each varying in build, in height, in colour, in features, in attitude, in intelligence, in articulation, in morals,  in eye colour, in hair colour, in hair texture, in speech, in personal hygiene, in hairiness, in standards, in nationality, in belief, in complexion and in tolerance,  to name but a few of the human traits among so many other. With so many variations to choose from, one is forgiven for choosing  the wrong partner for marriage even though they seemed like the right or even perfect choice at the time. 

Marriage has a steep learning curve, and reconciling with one another's differences can be very challenging. In fact marriage is really hard work and compromise is the key to its success. But unfortunately, incompatibility is the result of stretching compromise and forgiveness to its very limits, leaving divorce as the only option.  
I'm my book, divorce should be the last resort and not a decision easily made because marriage started out with love and affection and a vow 'till death do we part' in the sight of God and therefore shouldn't end in hate and 'I should have killed you when I had the chance'. 

There is and old adage in Afrikaans which goes something like, 'Ek is so lief vir jou, ek wens ek kan jou op eet' (I love you so much, I wish I could eat eat up) but after several years of marriage with all its issues, it changes to 'Ek wens I het jou op ge-eet' ( I really wish I had eaten you). Yep, at times marriage does makes one feel that way, but that's exactly the time you should contemplate on the hundreds of good reasons why you married your partner in the first place. Certainly one bad deed cannot outnumber the dozens of traits of your life partner. 

As wedding photographers, almost every weekend, my wife and I encounter numerous young couples  very much in love . Yet it is sad to say that when we happen to bump into them  in shopping malls after a few years, only to find out that they are divorced. In fact there are quite a few couples whose weddings we photographed, who divorced after only a few months of marriage. 

I have come to understand that many a young girl gets married just because she wants out of her parents house. In my book, that's just wrong on so many levels. Others get married only to legitimize there sex lives which I think is just so effed-up. Talking about effed-up, I encountered a dude that got married as a dare by his friends and had two children with his wife but but hardly sleeps over at her place, spending most of his nights at his mothers house. That's how the cookie crumbles, can't live with them, can't live without them.

Personal idiosyncrasies, unsociable, complicated attitudes, stubbornness, rudeness, foul moods, selfishness, laziness, greed are just some of the issues couples have to contend with on a daily basis. Then there are some irksome traits that just warrants complaining about even if nobody can help. Just to vent about it is sometimes help enough.  

Hugh's Marital Complaint:-

To fart is a completely natural and perfectly normal and I know that. I was brought up to excuse yourself when you have the urge, and go for a walk then do your thang outside or  in the toilet. I love my wife dearly but resent her for constantly farting in my presence. She would come from outside, where she could have done the deed, but no, she just has to do it in the room where I'm at. 

It seems when we spoon at night, that she purposefully stocks up her fart just so that she can let rip in my lap. I hate this and deem it disgusting and disrespectful. I'm forever shouting at her for being so uncouth and she just laughs about it, thinking its funny. When we courted her I never heard nor smelt her stink, except once, but she said that was the dog. 

I tolerate the dog when she occasionally farts because she is an uncultured animal that hasn't learn ethics and morals, standards and inter personal and social skills.  At one time I was thinking of  divorcing my wife and marrying the dog?

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Marry the dog, I hope you're joking, Hugh!  All I can say is 'to each his own'. Farting when ever seems to work for her and not for you, so you cannot teach an old dog new tricks, and don't expect her to change. Distance yourself from the situation and not from her. 

Leave the room then she drops one. Ask her to take a walk with you after supper so that she can  release the foul. If this doesn't work, you could always reciprocate. But you would probably think it disrespectful. Or you could get an air freshner / spray that she doesn't like and when she puffs, go crazy with the aerosol.

Wanda's Marital compliant:-

You may think that I'm feeling sorry for my  self, but I am frustrated by the fact that my husband is always working late at night and most weekends. He works for his dad  who is building contractor and the excuse is that they have deadlines to meet else they are penalized by the client. 

I'm married for less than two years and our baby of one year hardly knows his dad because by the time he showered and cleaned up, our son's fast asleep.  Why did he marry me, if he doesn't spend any time with me. Grrrr, I can't take it. So, I use public transport to the mall just to be among people even though I don't know them.

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Sorry to say this Wanda, but you seem to have major insecurities and yes you are feeling sorry for yourself.  Your husband is working toward a better future for both of you, cut him some slack. Working for his dad has nothing to do with the issue, he may as well have worked for another contractor who also has deadlines.  

Deadlines are not permanent and a time will come when he is able to spend time with both of you, but it requires your patience.  Only you know why he married you and I'm certain its not to torment or isolate you. You should join a ladies breakfast club or have a few friends come over or go visit your mom or in-laws and spend some time with them. 

Harlon's Marital complaint:

Marika is a beautiful and intelligent woman, an accountant by profession. When we courted, she made me feel extra special and her regular nocturnal gifts was just the cherry on top. Marika is a divorcee without any children and even though she is 8 years my senior we got married two years ago. She is in  her sexual prime but I've come to think she is addicted to sex. 

Before marriage we never discussed the reason for her divorce but as it turns our she was having an affair with her boss. She was honest enough to admit this but I think too honest because she also told me about all the other men she's been with, the ones she shacked up with and the one nigh stands and the office quickies. I feel betrayed and downright stupid and I even cried. 

I feels like I'm married to the town bicycle because where ever we go we are bound to meetup up with an old boyfriend asking when they can hookup again. Sheepishly she would introduce me as her husband and I always feel like such as A-hole when seeing the smirk on their faces. For my own sanity I think divorce is my only option but I love her and I want her cake and I want to eat it. 

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Harlon my friend, I cannot imagine what you feel like but I can sympathize with you. My advice is, make the best of your marriage because as long as you can scratch her itch she will remain faithful to you. Besides when you didn't know, it never bothered you. Would you have preferred to marry the town bicycle and have her lie to you about her past and passing herself off as Mother Teresa? I think not. 

Everybody has skeletons in their closets and some people have graveyards. In my estimation, it is better to be married to an honest sex addict than a woman who secretly buried her ex in the backyard and never divulging anything, not even in her sleep. It's rather the case  of  'the devil you know than the devil you don't know'.

IMPERFECT PARTNERS

IMPERFECT PARTNERS

God created man, and as the epic goes, God then created the very first woman from the rib of that very man. Thereafter God past on the miracle of creation of man, primarily to women. Today, there is no man that wasn't born of a woman, whether he exited via a birth canal or not. God has elevated the status of women to give birth to kings, presidents, rulers, leaders and men in general so that they would care for them, marry them, protect them and provide for them.  

For this honour, man should firstly be grateful to God and grateful to women because women do make the best mothers, the best grandmothers, the best sisters, the best wives, the best daughters and the best grand daughters. Essentially, they occupy a role that no man can ever fill. But, women are emotional creatures yet blessed with the inherent maternal values to care and nurture, which they more likely than not shower on their babies, toddlers and children in general. 

Unfortunately some of them grow up to become Narcissists, usurpers, abusers, losers, thieves, murderers, etc for whatever reason, disappointing the hell out of their own mothers. Generally woman are pretty amazing but regrettably some among them don't make such good  mothers and fall short in the maternal department which can traumatize their offspring emotionally and often times permanently - and possibly the reason why some don't turn out that great.

Men are pragmatic creatures yet blessed with inherent paternal values, strengths and affections suited to provide for their progeny. Unfortunately some of them make terrible husbands and horrible fathers, who fall short or shirk their responsibilities for whatever reason. Some even abandon their families, resulting in delinquent sons and traumatized daughters with feeble self worth.  Be that as it may, men have a natural affinity towards affection, friendship and warmth; and women represent the absolute pinnacle of caring and love for a man. 

This womanly quality cannot be not found in anyone or anything else. Restated, man cannot find this quality in another man, neither a cat, a dog, a horse, a house, a farm, a harvest nor money. God  Almighty blessed both men and women with numerous other qualities, many of them shared by both, but there are some which are specific and unique to women and some specific and unique to men. 

It is generally accepted that women are weaker than men, but this does not suggest that women are inferior to men because men and women equal. However, to  recognize this equality is to realize and accept that each has their individual and different roles to fulfill. 

Religion plays a  huge role in the makeup of each of these individuals and scripture provides moral guidance for both. They say couples who pray together stay together. With respect, trust and mutual love as the basis of  marriage, there is no reason why this shouldn't be the case.

Reading the above gives you some idea of the pool from which to choose you life partner. There are decent, good, honest and hounourable people out there and there are scoundrels, unprincipled, dishonest people out there. They will deceive you, they will steal from you, they will hurt you, they will cheat on you, they will disappoint you, they will astound you, and they may even mislead you. Among them Narcissists constitution 5% of the global population.

In order to choose a life partner, comparable to yourself, you need to be a good judge of character. Observing peoples reaction in different situations should give you a pretty good idea whether or not you dating Dr. Jekyll of Mr Hyde or its female version. Everyone has expectations when they enter into a marriage but a good policy is not to have expectations because then you cannot be disappointed by your expectations. 

The reason for marriage should not be to legitimize your sex lives nor a gateway of fulfill  your carnal desires, but an earnest desire and sincerely to be with the partner you chose for the rest of your life. The true purpose of marriage is to protect your dignity and chastity and your children, and not merely to fulfill one's carnal desires like animals do. 

Marriage is about becoming best of friends, and becoming one another's committed helpers and becoming another's confidants. Marriage is also about embracing the idiosyncrasies of your partner and seeing all the good in them and not single out the one bad thing they did or do. There is a saying that goes something like this: 'for the good that you do, no one remembers, but for the one bad thing you do, no one forgets'. 

Let this not be the basis of your marriage. Marriage is hard work and is not a  one-size-fits-all formula because every marriage is different, even unique. Marriage can be a bed of roses or a pit in hell, so before taking that leap of faith, make pretty darn sure that you made the right choice. Shacking up is not the answer because the drawbacks and the issues associated with it, by far exceeds the benefits.

Advice for men:

1) Reverence the wombs that bore you,

2) Appreciate the wife's sacrifice and her willingness to help out with expenses.

3) Honesty is the best policy in any  mature relationship.

4) Don't brush your wife off and diminish what she has to say because she is your equal in your partnership. 

5) Your contempt will poison your  relationship and  deep down  show your lack of respect and trust.

6) Be romantic and express your affection in a meaningful way like kissing her goodbye in the morning, phone her during the day to tell her that you miss her and look forward to seeing her later.

7) Set aside at least one night per week for date night.

8) Be her greatest supporter.

Advice for women:

1) Never undermine your husband, it is a sure way for him to start to resent you.

2) Honour, respect and appreciate your husband’s sacrifices, a mere 'thank you for doing this for me or us' may be sufficient but a kiss on the cheek or a hug from behind resting your check on his back can make all the difference.

3) Keep your sex life invigorated by dress up in a sexy negligee, understand that he is a sexual being and  meet him at the front door.

4) Surprise him with a good cooked meal for supper.

5) It certainly isn't too much to ask.